“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” - Ray Bradbury, “Farenheit 451”
Many would agree that friendship is one of the most profoundly beautiful aspects of human existence. It colors our lives and experiences in a multitude of ways both subtle and manifest. Some of my earliest memories are of experiences I had with friends, from learning to ride a bike and exploring the woods to creating stories out of thin air. To me, friendship is the foundation for all healthy relationships. And yet, friendships are often given second billing in our lives, with romance taking first.
Psychologist and author Gary Chapman’s bestselling books “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” and “The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition” have changed the way people talk about love. To summarize, the ‘five love languages’ — Words of Affirmation, Gift Giving, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service — are specific ways people prefer to express and receive love.
Knowing someone’s love language can revolutionize your relationship with them, whether that relationship is platonic or otherwise. Learning the five love languages has opened my mind to new and beautiful ways demonstrate love. In the name of love and friendship, I’m here to discuss those languages and share my own interpretations of them.
Words of Affirmation: There are three main types of affirmative words: words of encouragement, words of praise, and kind words. When you bring all of them into play, you demonstrate a deep and multifaceted appreciation for someone. My own life has been radically changed by the words of affirmation my friends have given me. I wouldn’t be a writer without them! If you feel reasonably certain that your friend’s language is Words of Affirmation, make an effort to verbally appreciate them. When they post a picture on social media, take the time to really compliment them. Write out a comment, read it to yourself, and make it specific. When they accomplish something and tell you about it, give them a long text filled with praise. If they’re struggling and come to you for comfort, write out strong, loving words of sympathy and encouragement. Mindfully and consciously putting effort into your words is a great way to foster a deeper love with any friend.
Gifts: This one can be tricky. My own giving language happens to be gifts, so I do well with someone who responds to this specifically. Knowing when, how, and what to give can cause a lot of anxiety for some people. The good news is that those whose love language is Gifts will not necessarily care about the details. The old adage “it’s the thought that counts” holds especially true for those whose native love language is gifts. The gift can be a pretty rock, a flower, some herbs from your garden, or a favorite candy bar. It doesn’t even have to cost money, as long as it says “hey, I pay attention to you, and I’ve taken note of your interests and the things you like.” Your friend will look at that object, or think of it years later, and feel the same sense of love and joy as the moment they received it.
Acts of Service: While this love language is easily applicable to long-term couples, as sharing the day-to-day aspects of life gives you ample opportunities to demonstrate it, it can easily be applied to friendships, too. Does your friend hate cleaning? Offer to come over and help. Do they need a pet-sitter while they’re away? Volunteer. A friend whose love language is Acts of Service will appreciate these little acts of kindness. In my case, I’m such a slob that my friends sometimes clean for me out of sheer desperation! That doesn’t make their help any less meaningful to me. Through these small but meaningful actions, you are showing a friend that you love and care enough to do something about it.
Quality Time: This love language is simple for some but difficult for others. The busier you are, the harder it is to really take the time to be with someone. Quality Time happens to be my primary language for receiving love, and from experience, I can tell you it means more than just coming over to sit with someone... even if that’s essentially what you’re doing. True Quality Time means that you are fully present (get off your phone!) with your friend, and attentive to their words when they speak. For those of us who are easily distracted or have demanding schedules, doing so can be challenging, but it also means that much more when we do make an effort. Simply going to the grocery store with a friend, or sitting down and asking them about their week will have a huge impact, because it shows you are willing to give some of your life (and time) without reservation.
Physical Touch: In Western society, this love language can be especially foreign. Touch is often thought of as something reserved for romantic relationships, but those whose native love language is Physical Touch may yearn to receive love through hand-holding, having their hair played with, or cuddling. Some may think these expressions of love are not socially acceptable. It can also be tricky to navigate other people’s boundaries when it comes to touch, and so there is a fear that the need will be rejected if expressed. If you have a friend who seems to respond best to physical touch as an expression of love, taking the time to ask them about it will help guide you. If you aren’t comfortable with certain kinds of physical touching, it might be best to communicate that fact in a gentle and honest way so that your friend knows it isn’t due to a lack of love, but rather your own preferences. If you are comfortable with physical displays of affection amongst friends, holding hands when you are walking together or throwing your arm over their shoulders will make them feel especially loved.
Friendships can last a lifetime. In many cases our romantic relationships will come and go, but our friends will weather the test of time and stay with us for decades. They can outlast arguments or differences that might destroy a romantic relationship. They can change your worldview, stand as a lifeline in times of great struggle, and bring more meaning and joy to your life.
So speak their language — you might just change your (friend) love life!
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