April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but you can learn how to be a good advocate and good friend for survivors of sexual assault any time of the year.
One out of every six American women will be sexually assaulted (or the targets of attempted assault) in their lifetimes.** This gut-wrenching statistic means you probably know someone who is a survivor of sexual assault.
If a survivor shares their story with you, there are ways to be a responsible, empathetic supporter. They’ve confided in you, and now you are a part of this process, too. Here are ways you can help support sexual assault survivors in the immediate aftermath and beyond.
Listen to Them
We live in a world of noise and distraction. Often, when we are confronted with the trauma of others, we tend to immediately say, “it will be ok.” Resist the urge. This conversation isn’t about you, and it isn’t about instant remedy. Just talking to someone may be incredibly challenging and scary for someone who has been sexually assaulted. Actively listen and you’ll be letting your friend know you are there for them.
Believe Them (and Tell Them You Believe Them)
Believing survivors (of all genders and identities) has never been easy for society, but we’re finally taking steps to at least start the conversation and right wrongs going forward. Too often, when survivors (especially women and marginalized individuals) come forward, they are shown no mercy. They are vilified by the public and the media for sharing their stories and having the audacity to say “No. No more.”
The Me Too and Time’s Up movements are only the tip of the “silent-no-more” iceberg, and we have found hope in the recent backlash against Charlie Rose, Harvey Weinstein (who, as of March 2018, is being charged with first-degree and third-degree rape in one case, and a first-degree criminal sex act in another), Kevin Spacey, and (finally) Bill Cosby (who was found guilty on three counts of “aggravated, indecent assault” against Andrea Constand on April 26, 2018).
There’s still a long way to go, but you can be the change today by believing the real pain, suffering, and trauma of sexual assault survivors.
Tell Them It’s Not Their Fault
Sexual assault is never -- EVER -- the fault of the survivor. Period. End of story.
Survivors may blame themselves. They may not even be sure what exactly happened. By affirming it wasn't their fault to a survivor who confides in you, you may be doing crucial work in helping them through the grieving process.
Allow Them to Make Decisions
Allowing sexual assault survivors to begin to make their own decisions again will help them begin to regain their agency and a sense of control over their lives. Do not offer advice, only ask what they need to do. They may not feel ready (or even want) to seek a health/mental health counselor or to approach law enforcement officials. Time and unconditional support will allow survivors to once again feel comfortable with their decisions.
If your friend does want your help in seeking out resources, here are only a few of many dedicated to caring for and supporting survivors of sexual assault:
Forge Forward (for transgender, gender non-conforming, and non-binary survivors)
The Anti-Violence Project (for LGBTQ survivors)
Respect Their Privacy and Autonomy
Survivors are entitled to respect and privacy. If they choose to disclose their identity and share their story with you, you are not entitled to share any details unless they have given you permission to do so. Do not violate the trust a survivor has placed in you.
Furthermore, do not touch or hug survivors who disclose to you unless you ask for consent first. It feels natural to reach out and hug someone who is hurting, but for survivors who have been violated, it can be traumatic.
Begin to practice asking for consent more often in your daily life as well. It will become a positive habit over time. Others will see your actions and either emulate them or engage you in conversation about them.
Ask How You Can Support Them
A good advocate will ask how they can support their friend instead of telling them what they should do. Survivors may not be able to articulate how exactly they will need your support going forward, but knowing they have someone in their corner can make a world of difference.
Call Yourself and Others In
There’s a reason why “complicit” was the 2017 word of the year. For too long we as a society have been afraid of speaking out about violence, especially violence perpetrated against women, people of color, and the LGBTQ+ community. In today’s world, silence is complicity.
But there’s also a difference between “calling out” and “calling in.” The term “call in” comes from a 2013 Black Girl Dangerous piece by writer Ngoc Loan Tran, and is an alternative to calling out in favor of engaging someone who is acting oppressively and/or violently in a private conversation about why their actions are harmful and should stop.
When you call someone in, you are doing so with a desire to understand and impart wisdom for the benefit of all parties. And it works more often than calling out.
While calling out still has (and should have) a place in culture and society, those who are supporting sexual assault survivors are in the unique position of being able to call in those who engage in behaviors that perpetuate rape culture and, through mutual understanding, possibly create lasting, systematic change.
Finally, remember Sexual Assault Awareness Month (and any conversations surrounding rape culture, Me Too, Time's Up, and awareness in general) can be a tough and triggering time for survivors. Be a good advocate by being a good friend and showing survivors the empathy, understanding, and respect they need to begin their journey of healing.
**While this statistic is limited to women who identify as women, we at The Fem Word believe it is critical to recognize (in order to better prevent and support survivors) that sexual assault occurs within all communities, including men, LBGTQ+, non-binary, and non-conforming individuals.
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